small note means a lot sometimes

We have not been talking for 3 days now. 4 days? sigh .. I just don't feel like counting. I do not want to write what we have happened because I don't feel  like recalling it one year after when I browse tru my blog again.
Despite of we didn't talk for few days, it is still very heart broken to see my tiny lil notes ended up in the rubbish bin.

I still remember i wrote this note after the incident that he pushed me to ground and i left his place. few days later, he ask for forgiveness so i went back to him. I wrote this note in the middle of the night and I sticked it on the wardrobe next to where he sleeps hoping that every morning he can see this tiny lil note me wishing him good morning.

It still sticks on the wardrobe for few weeks until today i saw it lying helplessly in the rubbish bin. I picked it up and stick it on my board together with other small notes that meant alot to me.

What have we become?

#How long CAN we call this LOVE.

The sun is filling up the room and I can hear you dreamingDo you feel the way I do, right now?I wish we would just give up'Cause the best part is falling, call it anything but love

And I will make sure to keep my distanceSay "I love you" when you're not listeningAnd how long can we keep this up, up, up?

Please don't stand so close to me, I'm having trouble breathingI'm afraid of what you'll see, right nowI'll give you everything I amAll my broken heartbeats until I know you'll understand

And I will make sure to keep my distanceSay "I love you" when you're not listeningAnd how long can we keep this up, up, up?

And I keep waiting for you to take meYou keep waiting to say what we have

So I'll make sure to keep my distanceSay "I love you" when you're not listeningAnd how long can we keep this up, up, up?

Make sure to keep my distanceSay "I love you" when you're not listeningHow long till we call this love, love, love?

Perplexed

I have a very confusing feeling today. It seems like partying is no longer happy for me. Nonetheless is getting weirder and weirder. The whole thing is just wrong. So WRONG ! Partying with both of them is just doesn't make sense ! Sigh ..

When was the last day i posted here? Seriously .. anyone still reading my blog? yuhuuu .. anyone?hmm..somehow I do feel good that no one is actually reading it .. Feel like writing some unnecessary post today..so, Pardon me.

I just came back from a pub celebrating my bf's ex birthday. Suppose to be a happy night .. well .. im not sad either now .. just ... just ... some kind of mixed feeling ... How should I say... 

We started the celebration with a dinner at some isolated thai restaurant .. everything went fine there .. is just lil torturing during the dinner, coz 15 people has to fit into a table .. can u imagine? everyone was like "canned sardine". After that we decided to have a drinking session .. struggling which pub to go as we cannot please everyone with suggested places. Finally we went to a place that we go very often.

There, I ordered a Peach Margarita .. was a good drink as i seriously dont feel like drinking tonight. Had a bad head pain. Everyone was enjoying .. chit chating .. playing cards. And then came the fixed feeling i had.

He came to me asking if he can buy his ex a drink as a birthday present. So i said .. why not? So,he ordered a bottle of tequila .. everyone took at least a shot.. For those unlucky ones... maybe more ... now .. everyone is tipsy ... can see some started to move around .. dancing .. making stupid faces .. including me ? well ... im still sober .. but i try to blend into the group.

Everyone down their own tequila ...  tequila has finished .. he ordered jagermeister this time ... asking her to push the shooter into the mixer ... i can see how much he wanted his ex to be happy  tonight. i can see how tonight he gets closer and closer to his ex .. i can even see how he touches her hips ... and her hand ... like holding hands... standing so close to each other, talking ... 

problem? yea .. hmmm .. not really ... 

What really bother me is .. I don't feel angry ..  no idea why .. I just feel lil sad .. yes .. bit sad... Perhaps i already know for like decades, that she is one of the exes that he really loves ... used to love alot? hmmm .. 

at the same time .. his ex's bf came n drink with me. I wonder he saw the same thing? What did he see? Things i saw? Whats on his mind ...? 

Nothing can be done. so, forget it n drink !

 Too many questions in my head. So i decided to write it down, thinking if i could look for answers to the questions tonight. 

well ... He is drunk .. for quite some time i have never seen him making himself thisssssssss drunk. Not even on our birthday. 

Goodnight world. Its 415am.